It’s Going to Be Okay.

I know that I’ve seemed down lately.  Blame it on wildly changing pregnancy hormones, or the crazy that has invaded my life recently.  I know that it’s hard when you just can’t fix what’s broken.  I’m trying very hard to focus on what I CAN fix and change right now instead of the flood of things that are going on around me that I just CANNOT fix or change.  One day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time, and I’m getting through.  It will be okay.  It will all work out.  I must have faith.

Several people have messaged me recently asking if we need/want anything for the arrival of the #ninjababy.  Honestly, there isn’t much we “need” but there are things that it would be nice to have.  After three kids I’ve pretty much realized that all you “need” is some cloth diapers, a car seat, and some clothes.  I had set up an amazon.com baby registry a while back, mostly to get the 10% discount later on for ourselves, but I attached the link to the list at the bottom of this note.

Honestly, the only thing we truly NEED at this point is a place for the #ninjababy to sleep when he isn’t in bed with us.  I have my heart set on a baby hammock, but they’re expensive and I can only find the one I like in Australia.  @juliecottle from Natural Transitions sells them, and I love supporting my Twitter moms when I can instead of some nameless corporation.  It’s called the Happy Hangup, and it is on the list below.  Because it’s so pricey ( sad face ) I had actually started a donation fund a while back to try to get some help with it…the hammock, stand and cushion end up being less than a traditional crib price wise, but it’s still a chunk of change.  I like the hammock because of its motion, and the fact that it’s easily portable for travel or just switching rooms…and because I guess I’m now shameless, here’s the link to the FundRazr for the baby’s bed: Ninjababy Hammock

Again, I’m not asking for anyone to buy anything – this is for those people who had asked, and my fingers have been slow in sending the same message with the same information over and over.

Here’s the link to the Amazon list, carefully arranged into “wants” and “needs.”  There’s also some fun stuff on there  (we don’t “need” an oriental styled gliding bassinet, but thought it would be fun for a “ninjababy” to have).  We’re a babywearing, clothdiapering, cosleeping crunchy family … but I still squee over the cute factor of some of this stuff.  Hey, I’m only human!  We may be getting a hand me down car seat, but the rest of it is here.

In addition to all this, as much of the profit from my Etsy shop as I can save is also going to buy things for the arrival of the #ninjababy.  Minus shipping and material fees, every time you buy a dryer ball you add to my “baby needs” fund.  If you want to go check out ( cough cough *buy* ) some wooly goodness, the link to the Etsy store is here AND  I’ll have a perma-coupon for free shipping (domestic OR international) if you use ninjababy at checkout.

I think that’s everything?  I’ve added a contact me page if anyone needs more information, and I’m always happy to take hand me downs for clothing and clothdiapers.   ( I’ll even pay your shipping!)

I Finally Get It: Nobody Really Cares

Tonight I was texting with a woman I call my friend ( though I’ve never met her in real life) in an attempt to talk through some of the things that have been bothering me, and hopefully feel better. The plan backfired horribly, and I ended the conversation feeling worse than I had when it begun. In the middle of it, however, I came to an epiphany:

Nobody Really Cares.

That seems to be the root of most of my stress and sadness at the moment. Pay attention, now — NOBODY really cares. This weighs on me, more than I realized until I started to talk about it.

Now, I have to add a disclaimer. I have some friends on Twitter that have gone above and beyond what I would expect any stranger to do for another. They have helped me out of jams, encouraged my home based business, and sent me boxes of hand me downs and diapers for the arrival of the the #ninjababy. These people make me cry, and give me hope for humanity. I’ve NEVER met any of them in person, and yet they give of their time and resources without being asked and expecting nothing in return. To these people (you know who you are) I say THANK YOU, and mean it from the bottom of my heart. You have kept me going.

Here in my real world, however, I feel like some lone tree on an island. There is so much drama and chaos going on in my life, and no one can be bothered to so much as send an email or text message to make sure that I’m still breathing.

I’m going to have a son in October, I’m going to bring another human being onto this planet, and I don’t think my family and “friends” even know when my due date is, or what we’ve chosen for his name, or anything pertaining to our plan for birth. No one really cares. No one has called to see how I’m feeling. No one asks if there is anything I need, or want. I’m fairly sure that half of them don’t even know how far along I am. I didn’t expect a baby shower, but maybe the offer of a casserole for the freezer, or some acknowledgement that a major life changing event is about to happen? I’ve given up my dreams of having a doula here, or a professional to do birth shots for me. I can’t do it alone, and nobody else really cares.

I’ve stopped doing pregnancy photos and weekly updates. I’ve given up the idea of a belly cast or henna or lovely maternity shots. I’m the only one who seems to care about any of that. My heart is breaking at the thought of not getting the pictures I had envisioned at the lovely waterfalls not far away…but nobody really cares.

I don’t think TBA has felt his son kick more than twice in the last seven months. Every time I mention there is a hand or knee or elbow poking around, or try to slide his hand onto my stomach to feel the rolls and somersaults as we lie in bed at night, he doesn’t really care. I’m hurt by this, I don’t understand it. How could you NOT want to bond with your child? Even if you aren’t really “into” it, do it to humor me… take two seconds, let the #ninjababy kick your hand, smile and make me happy.

I’m excited for the new arrival, and yet every time I try to talk about anything pertaining to #ninjababy with anyone in real life…well, they don’t care. I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for being excited or wanting to buy little diapers or look at onesies in a store. I feel rushed if I try to stop and price car seats, or look at a swing or bouncer. Nobody else really cares. I get the impression, though, as if the somber “meh” mood that everyone else has should somehow filter it’s way into me. NO! I CARE. Just because this isn’t the first baby, or the first boy, or the first grandchild does not mean that he is somehow less deserving than my other children!

Its been three weeks now that we’ve been car-less. Three weeks since the accident in Philadelphia. I have friends that live less than a mile from here, that are ON my Facebook page, that follow me on Twitter, that had NO IDEA we didn’t have a car. They didn’t realize that we’ve been walking everywhere for the last three weeks. I have family and other relatives that are more than well equipped financially to have helped us rent a car, or at least offered to chip in and buy us a month’s bus pass. Nobody really cares. Nobody cares that I’m walking everywhere that a bus can’t take me, or that its been in the high 90’s with heat indexes in the 100’s. Nobody cares that after a few blocks I’m having Braxton-Hicks that are strong enough to take my breath away and force me to sit. Nobody cares that by the time we get home from one of these trips my legs are swollen beyond belief and my back aches so badly it hurts to sit. Nobody cares that I can’t seem to keep weight on with this pregnancy, and that between stress and the miles of walking I’m exactly * two * pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight at 28 weeks. Nobody has even bothered to ask if there was something they could do, or something to help with.

All these things hurt my heart. There are other stresses in my life, of course, and things that need to be worked on. What is tearing me up is that fact that I’m seemingly alone in all this. I’ve always believed that anything can be faced and overcome with support and the love of friends and family. But now I finally get it.

Nobody really cares.

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