Exhaustion.


Tania El Koury at Forest Fringe Weekender

Image by TheArches via Flickr

That is the best word for what I’m feeling now.  Exhaustion.  I’m mentally and physically drained.  Even the blogging the last few days has worn me out.  It seems that each new day brings something else for me to stress over and worry about.

Here’s the latest drama (and let me apologize for my continued rant.  These are password protected so that not everyone is exposed to my daily dose of insanity.)

The X and I have had a (mostly) friendly working relationship since the separation.  Though it has taken some time, and a lot of convincing on my part, he now realizes that this is the best thing for everyone including the kids and that what he needs to do is to focus on himself and get some therapy.  He had a “plan.”  He was going to get a job, go back to therapy, take some anger management classes, get his license back, save his money and move back here to Virginia to be closer to his kids.  With a little help he was looking at the positive sides of being single, of how to maximize all his free time into something productive.  And then.  And then.

And then comes the morning when my email inbox is FILLED with message after message from him.  From 10 pm until nearly 4am the next morning.  Wedding pictures with the caption ” this was the best day of your life.”  Long, rambling emails filled with how he cannot live without me.  His insistence that we try again.  Long plans about how we should stay separated and get couples counseling to fix this.  Lines about how he “knows” that I still love him, that I want him back.  Interspersed with all this is the usual blame.  If I had just done/not done than we wouldn’t be here.  I should’ve/could’ve/would’ve.  It’s still all my fault, and its my job to fix it.  I made it through half of his tirades before I gave up.

We were back to square one.  Again.  Then came the emails asking me why I wasn’t responding to his emails.  I sent him one, very brief reply which turned around and bit me in the ass.  My reply wasn’t long enough.  I didn’t answer his questions.  Was I ten?  Could I not hold an adult conversation?!  I didn’t know what to do, and I was actually beginning to have an anxiety attack over some of the veiled threats.  I forwarded a copy of his last email to TBA (who is away on business) and one to my mother.  I’ve kept copies of each email he’s sent, but the more drastic ones I also send to my parents if I should ever need someone outside this house to corroborate my story.

I ended up sending him an email right before bed.  I was as plain as I dared to be.  I told him in very plain language with bolded words and underlines that I DID NOT want him back.  I did not want to try again, go to counseling, or rehash the same arguments over and over.  I then explained that the only two topics I wanted to discuss with him either on the phone or via email were the kids and the divorce papers.  I hit send and hoped for the best.

I wake up to a very well written and long email detailing how I was 100% correct and he was just having a rough night and has since joined a mens divorce support group.  That he is researching why he reacted the way he did and looking for answers for his emotional breakdown.  He reassured me again that he was not going to take the house or the money for the children’s support (oh…did I forget to mention how he threatened to have us tossed out of the house?  Yeah.  Classy guy.)  Right now, its calm.  I can’t help but have that knot of anxiety though for next time.  And there will be a next time.  I don’t know when or how or what will set him off, but the Drama isn’t done yet.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Violetsouffle
    May 08, 2011 @ 19:32:14

    Ugh. What a horrible feeling that must have been. I’m so glad you have your parents and TBA to support you through this web if it’s very minimally. Anything you need?

    Reply

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