Have you ever woken in a panic?

     That was me, last night.  At three am.  Because I was suddenly thrown out of a very nice dream and absolutely convinced that Drake was upstairs, suffocating in his bed.  In my defense, I tried not going to check on him.  I told myself all the rational “He’s fine, you silly woman” things that I’m sure you’d say to anyone.  But I couldn’t shake the feeling!

     Now, in my defense, I had given him a good dose of Benadryl before he went to sleep.  And I am always inordinately worried about giving the littles medicines, especially those that can make them tired.  We’ve also just started transitioning him into his “big boy” bed in his “big boy” room on the second story of the house.  We’ve been co-sleeping for almost three years now, and I’m attuned to the breathing and motions of the  little person next to me.  Now that there is no little person to be aware of, it seems my subconscious is punishing me with nightmares of suffocating babies.  I could see him in his little bed, sleeping a drugged sleep, face pressed into a pillow and slowly suffocating…and I flew out of bed.

     My first stop was Drakes room, and he wasn’t in it.  This actually panicked me more, because if he isn’t in his bed, he’s in mine.  I checked his sisters room…nothing.  I peeked in on his older brother, only to find that Gryphon was sleeping alone too!  I ran down the stairs, setting the dogs off into panicked bark mode, shutting off the hall light on my way.  I actually opened my bedroom and turned the light on, just to be certain he wasn’t in bed with me all along!  Half panicked, I stumbled into the living room…

   The husband was asleep in his favorite chair, snoring.  Little man was curled up with Daddy, also snoring.  I actually walked over and touched his chest to reassure myself that YES he is still breathing.  Then I felt like an idiot.

     I laid in bed, alone.  It felt too big, too empty.  Nearly an hour later, I had finally calmed down enough to sleep.

     Everyone told me that transitioning Drake to a big boy bed and out of ours would be an adjustment, something he’d have to get used to.  No one told me that it was going to be such an adjustment for me!  I’m thinking about putting a baby monitor upstairs, just for my peace of mind.  Really, I mean…he could need me, right?


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